It Could've Been Us - An Outpouring of Love For Mikaela Lynch and Family

"Yes! Only a week later and finally done!" as I kicked the last empty moving box into the garage. Glanced at the clock, it was 11pm. If I hurried I might be able to take a shower, wash off the stench of unpacking and still be able to catch a few hours of sleep before the kids woke up for school. I quickly hopped in and out and did one last check around the house to make sure the doors were locked and baby gates were positioned before climbing in bed next to my husband. "Finally..." I thought, as I drifted off. The bright red numbers staring back at me, 11:30.

The beating on the front door jolted me out of my sleep. Heart racing, I glanced at the clock, 1am. Dressed in the first thing we could find, we fumbled our way to the front door to find a Police Officer waiting for us.

"Can we help you Officer?" My husband asked, half conscious.

"Do you have a son?" asked the Officer.

"Why was he asking about our son?" My heart began to pick up pace as I turned around to glance around the living room. Everything looked in order, doors locked, gates up. Just before returning my gaze to the Officer, something caught my eye, a cracked door. Bolting my way through the living room and hurdling over the baby gate like an Olympic track star I threw open the door to my sons room.

"David!! David!! Where is he?! He's gone! Phoenix is gone!" I screamed as I yanked back the blankets from his bed.

Struggling to catch my breath and control my thoughts from wandering to the worst possible scenario, the tears began to stream down my face, I threw open the door to the bathroom, "Phoenix?!?!" my daughters room, "Phoenix?!?!" I screamed once more, hoping to hear his little voice say something, anything. I stumbled back to the living room, my legs feeling heavier with each step, I forced the words out of my mouth yet again "He's gone" My husband not yet having grasped what was going on...

"Ma'am can you tell me what your son looks like?"

The room began to spin as I tried to answer. "He has Autism. My son has Autism, we just moved here. He's only 3 and a 1/2. There's a creek near by. He doesn't know anyone, Red hair. Red hair, blue eyes. Here" as I ripped a photo from my purse and shoved it into the Officers chest. I could hear the rain beating off his uniform as he looked at the photo.

"Sounds about right" he said, as he turned around and made a gesture to his Police Car.

Before I could push him out of the way to get a clear look, I heard a familiar voice, "Mommy!" Running up from behind the Officer was Phoenix, pj's soaked and barefoot.

"I played on the slide! My pj's are wet, I need new pj's. I need new pj's now, mom."

I yanked him into the house and squeezed him tighter than I had ever squeezed him in his 3 and 1/2 years of life. I closed my eyes and breathed in his smell of sweat and rain.

"How did you know, how did you know to come here?" I asked the two Officers, as I wiped the tears from my face.

"Your house was the only door on the street with the door open. When we got him in the car, we knew something wasn't right. My nephew has Autism. Sorry Ma'am, I'm Officer Smith." as he reached out and extended his hand.

"Smith?" I asked as I stared blankly at his hand.

"Yes. Officer Joseph Smith."

My heart sank to what felt like my feet and it was then that I knew my son was being watched over that night.

* * *

Autism is something real and very much alive in our society. Autism related wandering affects 90% of Autism families. At some point, 90% of Autism families will experience the reality of their child wandering off. A lack of parental supervision? NO. In our case we had dead bolts locked, child locks on the door knobs and baby gates up. My Son made it past all of these things and did so while everyone in the house was sleeping. For a week my son had been asking me to go to the park that was 4 houses down from our house. I kept telling him that we would go later, when we were done un packing. 

Fortunately for us, a women was driving by the park at 1 in the morning. She barely caught a glimpse of my son in the dark playing on the slide, in the rain. She immediately pulled over, grabbed my son and pulled him into her mini van and called the Police. There aren't many days that I have had that I haven't thought of this incident that took place over a year ago. The horrible thoughts that immediately flood your mind, the million "What if?" questions that overcome you. There are reporters, sad excuses of reporters, out there that would have you believe that these incidences you hear of are due to a lack of good parenting. I share this with you to tell you that it's not case. These children will get an idea in their mind and they HAVE to do it, it becomes a sudden urge for them. Some might say "All children have that desire." The difference here is that YOUR children will grow out of it, ours wont. Now we have deadbolts on the tops of all of our doors and alarms on all of the doors and windows that are on all day. 

Instead of casting premature judgements, ask yourself what you can do to help. With the skyrocketing Autism rates, everyone knows someone with Autism. Keep your eyes peeled for un attended children, be aware of your pools. If you have a neighbor with a child that has Autism, ask them if there is anything you should be aware of. And for the love of all that is holy! Start showing these families some support.

My heart goes out to the Lynch family. The Autism community is here to support you.~Ashlie, There's Tulips In Holland Admin

What I Think About Your Child's "Less Than Desired" Behaviors

School is taxing on my little one. She works hard, she continues to meet all of the demands and requests made of her by her different Teachers and therapists and then she comes home and kind of lets it all out. Maybe with a little scream, maybe she might climb into my 25 lb. bag of beans or attempt to cover herself in my 50lb. bag of flour, you just never know with her but she will find a way to unwind from her taxing day. As we sat in our living room with my daughters Teacher and her OT, we were discussing the progress she is making and DUN! DUN! DUN! her "less desired" behaviors.

At the end of the appointment as I was sending off the people who seem to love my daughter as much as I do, I plopped myself down on the couch and let out a little laugh and said "Ah, that Leah." In that moment of pure joy as my mind filled with thoughts of my daughter, I realized that on each occasion a "less than desired behavior" had been mentioned, we all released a laugh which was often followed by "That's Leah!" On each occasion my mind would repeat back to me "That's my daughter". We spend so much time trying to change our kids and their "less than desired behaviors" that I think sometimes we forget that some of these behaviors that aren't really as bad as we think, are actually some of the things that make up our children and their little personalities. It's taken me 2 years to realize this but I'm getting there.

So the next time you trip over that 6 foot long row of toys your child has so meticulously lined up, or your daughter has stuffed herself between the couch cushions and the couch, or your sons bum is hanging out of his pants in a school field trip photo, instead of running off to the corner and crying try instead to have a laugh, try instead to take a picture or try instead to smile and say "That's my baby"

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7 Things You Don't Know to Ask For When Transitioning Your Child To Middle School

7 Things You Don't Know To Ask For When Transitioning Your Child To Middle School

Having Kids With Autism in The LDS (Mormon) Church

For my LDS autism parents, after receiving many of your emails.

**If you can, try to read through to the end so you aren't left with a sour taste in your mouth.**

This isn't meant to deter anyone from the LDS Church. I love it with all my heart. I broke this down into labels so you can pick what you would like to read.

Being a Convert
I haven't been LDS my whole life. I joined when I was 18. I personally feel being a convert has made me a little less critical against others that don't live my lifestyle. In fact, most of my closest friends aren't LDS at all. I'm not the typical Mormon-ie cultured type girl. I'm not overly bubbly, I'm not a huge fan of boardgames (unless we're talking Zarahemla here), I can't sew, I've tried. Everything comes out crooked and I am constantly saying things I shouldn't (like right now, probably). I'm not a "Playgroup" type mom. A bunch of moms sitting around talking about what they do with their kids, some telling you what YOU should do with your kids. I'm too busy telling my kid to not take her clothes off and stop eating the dirt. Eh, it's just not for me. My friends don't push their lifestyle on me and I don't push mine on theirs. I have found that living my life as a strong, devout LDS woman has been more of an example to them than anything I could have ever said to them.

Getting back on track here...if you are LDS - first and foremost YOU HAVE TO SEPARATE THE PEOPLE IN THE CHURCH FROM THE GOSPEL ITSELF. If you don't learn how to do this, it's only a matter of time before you allow yourself to be offended and you will leave the Church.

The Crap You Might Be Told By A Member
How many of you dread Sacrament? Guessing more than a few of you. Autism parents aren't thinking about the typical things the other parents are. As soon as I sit down in Sacrament my thoughts go a little something like this:
Did I bring enough toys?
Did I bring the right toys?
What if my son has a meltdown because I forgot a certain toy?
Did I bring too many toys? Are they going to fight over them?
I hope my daughter doesn't have a seizure.
I hope I brought enough snacks.
I hope I brought the right snacks.
Where's the exit? Are we close enough if I have to walk out?
What time is it, did we get here too early?
Who is sitting in front of us? Are they going to freak out if my daughter touches them?
Who is sitting behind us? Are they going to be ok with my kids?
She's humming again, is anyone staring at her?

It's no secret that LDS kids are well behaved, well groomed, taught to mind and so on. It's a bit intimidating for some of us with Special Needs kids. There was a ward that we were a part of in Utah. This was when we were just starting to figure out what was going on with our son and daughter. The Relief Society President used to always sit in front of us and at the end of every Sacrament meeting she would tell us about her daughter who has 6 kids and how well behaved they were. How her daughter never had to bring a single Cheerio to Church. Then she would say "Maybe I could have her give you a call." Most of the glares came from her. Some would say my son wasn't Autistic that he just needed discipline. Others would say it's because my kids are too close in age, that's why they're Autistic!

Every Sunday I would go home feeling like less than a perfect LDS mom. I was just learning about Autism. I was trying my hardest to keep my kids managed during Sacrament. Cheerios and Church flip books weren't working for them. Most would stare at us, some would roll their eyes. Every Sunday hurt.

Some will tell you, "No where is perfect, you'll find that behavior anywhere you go." or "I would think living in UT people would be kinder than you would find anywhere else." None of this is true, to be honest. I have a strong Testimony of the organization of Relief Society but sometimes I struggle with the women. My husband said he saw it all the time on his Mission. The Elders would be invited to RS potlucks for dinner and the Elders would sit by themselves and over hear some of the things the women would talk about. Almost always about another member. He said it was no wonder why so many would choose to leave the church. My dad used to make jokes about how you never hear a guy in Priesthood say "Oh my gosh! Did you see Brother Christensen today? I can't believe he wore that tie! What was he thinking?" General Authorities are on record for saying that there are wonderful men that would be great for Leadership callings but will never be called because of their wife. Joseph Smith had to rebuke the women for gossiping and being mean to one another just barely after the first RS was set up. If you go back and look at Paul, he was rebuking the women for being mean to one another. Some of the cruelest things I have ever had done and said to me were by girls/women in the Church. You will find great big hand fulls of AMAZING women in the Church but occasionally that sour apple can leave a bad taste in your mouth.

Self Righteousness Is The Name Of The Game
 I had an LDS mom recently tell me "Raising Autistic kids isn't harder or less hard than raising normal kids. It's just  different." Most Autism moms on my page addressed her as soon as they saw it. I guess she didn't realize that many of us actually have non-autistic kids so we know what it's like to raise both. It wasn't about trying to make a point of who's lot was harder. It was that she honestly believed that, that she really thought a tantrum was comparable to a seizure. That she had that typical naive mentality that she had been raised with that life was flowers and butterflies. She hated that I was a reminder to be grateful for her own lot because it could be worse.

Recently on my Autism FB page I posted a news clip about a mother that gave her son 3 ounces of coffee a day to help with his ADHD. I was asking my Autism parents what they thought, kind of in a sense like "hey isn't this crazy?" I can understand a mothers willingness to try anything, that is NOT to say that I would. Anyways shortly after posting it, I received an email from a lady I know (that isn't familiar with Autism) that went something like this:

"Ashlie, I saw your post and I just felt prompted to bare my testimony to you about the word of wisdom..." and the email went on and on and on.

Self Righteous? Maybe a little. (The same woman that feels so passionately about the Word Of Wisdom yet debated with me on a separate occasion when I said my family will never eat at Hooters. Strange, I know.) But I replied and told her that I loved the Gospel and that I had no intention of giving my kid coffee.

My Point
I understand what you're going through but it's not a reason to give up on the Church. I don't always make it to Church because of my daughter's seizures. Church is so hard for her between the crowds, the crying babies, her asthma attacks, her sensory issues. I say this to some people and they actually think that I am giving them an excuse. There's a line of people ready to tell me what I am doing wrong. There always will be. I've come to accept that.

You're going to get those members that feel the need to "bare their testimony to you" about something you're doing that they don't agree with. You're going to have people that comment about your kid. At first glance, Autism isn't as visible as something like Down Syndrome. Therefor it's easier for people to disregard.  You have to accept this because you can't change it. Sitting in Sacrament is often a reminder to me that my family is different. Sometimes as I'm escorting my son or daughter with their flailing limbs out of the meeting, I catch myself look up to see if anyone is staring. Something I'm working on. Despite the rude comments that I have heard in the past (and that you email me about regarding your own situations) you have to separate the doctrine from the people. What keeps me active in this church is my belief in the Doctrine we are taught and the Spiritual experiences I have had. Now I bring the activities and snacks to Sacrament that work for MY kids and I care a little less about what others think. If eating a pickle is going to keep my daughter calm, well then you're going to have to deal with the smell of vinegar if you sit in front or behind us =)

This Church, it's my life. My Testimony is engraved on the walls of my heart. I've spent too many nights crying over something that was said, something someones child said to my daughter who's parents stood there and didn't correct them, didn't even blink. At the end of the night, I find comfort in my Savior. I find comfort in knowing that in the end, none of this will matter except for how I handled it. The Church falls away in the end. The only thing that will remain is our family unit. Did you know that? Well now you do =)  Don't let anyone deter you from attending church, from reading your scriptures, having FHE, attending the Temple and fulfilling your calling. The Adversary comes in many shapes, sizes and forms. He'll do anything to tear down your testimony. It's up to you whether or not you let him.

When There's Love At Home

I get so many emails from parents that are contemplating having more children.They write with their concerns and questions, in the end wanting to know what my perspective is on the subject. Keep in mind that you may have a different perspective than I do. That's ok, as long as you remember that this is my perspective.

I guess I'll start by saying that none of our kids have been planned. A few months prior to getting pregnant I would always have a experience or some sort of nudge letting us know that we were about to have a baby. My husband and I never sat down and said "Ok, let's start trying for a baby!" It always felt prompted.

We have 3 kiddos ages 4, 3 and 1. We found out that our 4 and 3 year old had Autism when I was 1/2 way through my 3rd pregnancy. I can't begin to tell you how I felt at that moment. I layed in bed for what felt like forever but was the course of 3 days, and cried. I felt so guilty that I was pregnant. I knew the brunt of this would fall on me. With my husbands work and school schedule, I knew I would be the one at the meetings, involved in their therapies and handling their behaviors. I worried what if the baby I was carrying was Autistic too? What if he wasn't and here I was bringing him into this "Autistic Sibling" life? What if he grew up resenting me? What if?...What if?...What if? Those were the only questions that seemed to circulate round my mind. I was severely depressed at this time, I was cursed with mentally unstable in-laws from the underworld that we had just slapped with Restraining Orders and then the news of my two toddlers. My husband was doing his best to encourage me. He would frequently tell me that if anyone could do this, it was him and I. Because we had love at home. Still, it wasn't enough to get me out of bed.

That following weekend, I had quite the experience that snapped me out of the funk I was in. As my husband and I sat there with heavy hearts over the heart warming experience we had had, we knew a way would be provided for us that we could effectively take care of our family and the needs that would arise. I never understood how some would say that Autism tore their marriage apart. For my husband and I it did the very opposite. We were already close but it made us that much closer. We know our kids need both of us. So with that all said, how do we feel about having more kids???

For my husband and I, we have a good solid marriage. I'm also a stay at home mom, which works for us because we have no family to help or babysit. We do our date nights when our kiddos go to bed or are at school and even then we still have our 1 year old with us. This all works for us. At this point we understand our kids that have Autism, we know how to calm them, for the most part. I feel like I have my household under control. We have next to no debt, we know how to budge and I still feel like my sanity is in tact. So for us, we say YES to having more kids BUT only after you evaluate your own situation. Can you handle more? Is your sanity in tact? Do you have the time to spend with them? Is the relationship you're in solid?

Why I Think Having More Kids Benefits Kids On The Spectrum

First I should say that my son has moderate Autism and my Daughter has Severe. I have seen with my own kids that having more kids pushes my Spectrum kiddos out of their "Autism" bubble. For example, my daughter is perfectly content being on her own. Prefers it actually. Having a very mobile and social 1 year old doesn't allow for that. He's always in her face, accidentally sitting on her with his fat bum, sneaks her snacks, slobbers on her, you name it. Sometimes she'll yell and flap but it only lasts for a few seconds. Today I watched my 1 year old wobble over to my 4 year old (who is also on the Spectrum), grab his hand and start sucking/gnawing on his finger. My 4 year old started laughing. Not the typical response for a kid on the Spectrum, right? However, after months of this, he has gotten used to it.

If you keep your kiddos in a box you made for them, they aren't going to grow and develop their weaknesses into strengths. When we first brought our 1 year old home, my daughter screamed every time he cried (she's sensitive to noise). Now she brings him his bottle. Also not the typical response for a child on the Severe end of the Spectrum, right? She learned how to cope. Her and my 4 year old also enjoy wrestling! It's my belief that it's the best thing you can do for their Autism, is to have more children. It teaches them so many wonderful things. One of the biggest ones we have seen is how to cope when unpredictable situations arise.

So in a nutshell, this is my take on having more children. You can be expecting more children from There's Tulips In Holland! Sooner than you might think, too ;)

Every Rose Has It's Thorn

When you start a blog and it starts to gain popularity you tend to put yourself in a position to be criticized by others. Criticized for anything you do differently than them and different ideas or perspectives you might have from them. That's just the nature of being a blogger. I knew that would inevitably happen when I started this blog; I thought the benefit of helping others find resources in their area and providing basic information and links to helpful sites preponderated the negative aspects.

I rarely get negative feedback on my blog The recent email I received was by far the nastiest, the cruelest and most bitter. There's something to be said about hiding behind a computer screen and not having to take accountability for what you say and the feelings who's you hurt. I owe it to the 2 readers out of the thousands I have to address their opinionated perspective that I am a terrible person because of my post "I WOULD Change My Child"

So without further ado:

-Anyone that knows me knows that I am a good mother and I work so hard with my kids, often times falling short. They know that I love and adore them and that I wouldn't change who they are, even if I could. Which brings me to my next point.

 -I DO NOT believe that Autism IS my child. **GASP!!** (Feel free to throw your laptop at the wall, at this point.) How could I say such a thing?, you might be asking yourself at this point. For the same reason that Autism is no longer 1 in 110 children. It's now 1 in 88. How is it increasing? I believe something is causing it, and not that Heavenly Father just believes that we are all AMAZING people and wants to bless all our lives with Autism. There, I said it. If not so, then why is it increasing with each year that passes?

-When I say that I would change my child, I do not mean LITERALLY change the tiny little person they are. Yes, my child may not be diagnosed with a terminal illness or have a drug problem or be bound in a wheel chair as you were so kind to remind me. I'm sorry that you are so offended that I don't think Autism is beautiful. Let me tell you just a few circumstances of some of the Autism moms I know:

Autism mom #1-
Her 11 year old son with Autism wandered out of their locked home at 1 am. The mother heard the door alarm go off, bolted out of bed and through the front door. Before she could finish screaming his name, she watched her son be plowed over by a Ford Pickup. So you're telling me it's not Autism related that this boy didn't respond to his name?...

Autism Mom #2-
Had her nose broken because she was standing too close to her son during one of his headbanging meltdowns. Not Autism related?..

Autism Mom #3
Just finished repairing her dry wall because her 4 year old son with Autism put his head through it; he was trying to calm himself down. Not Autism related?...

Autism Mom #4
Found out that her daughter had been molested for 3 years by a family member. How and why didn't the mom know? Her daughter doesn't speak. Not Autism related?...

Autism Mom #5
Lost her 16 year old daughter because the kids at school thought it would all be in good fun to watch the "autistic kid" trip on acid. Trusting that they were her friends and not being able to discern for herself that she was being targeted, she took it; she had a seizure. Not Autism related?...

Autism Mom #6-Me
My daughter was sick for some time. Why? From fecal smearing. My daughter has PICA, something that affects 5% of the Autistic population. She had sores around her mouth and she was always sick. There were some nights where I would hear her up at 3 in the morning. I then would spend 2-3 hours scrubbing down her walls, shampooing her carpets, bathing her, cleaning out her mouth and scrubbing her finger nails. My point in sharing that is not to say "Oh look at me, look at how hard my life is!" I DO NOT FEEL THAT WAY so tuck away your 2-edged sword, please. Those moments with my daughter while cleaning her up...well I'll just say my heart was heavy and it's some of the times that I have felt the closest to my Heavenly Father. I knew she couldn't help it and I was never, not once mad at her nor did I curse my circumstances.

You see my point? When I say I would take away their Autism I am referring to their Autistic BEHAVIORS that impact their life NEGATIVELY. Autism, for me, ISN'T about making my life easier it's about trying to make their life easier and by THAT I mean teaching them how to discern danger, how to calm themselves and so on.

-In the email I received, well here, let me quote verbatim; I would hate to get it wrong ;)

"Here's the thing. You ARE a flag waiver. You just can't see it because you call it by another name. You are like so many other parents of children with Autism out there, who call what they do "activism", or "advocating", or "teaching awareness". What it really is, however, is a platform to voice their riotous discontent at the crappy hand they have been dealt. My question to the parents who constantly complain about the trials and hardships that come with raising kids on the Spectrum is, "Do you honestly think you have the market cornered on parenting hardships?" Are you kids in wheelchairs? Do your kids have an expiration and/or can they be killed by something as benign as the common cold..."

"...Why am I taking the time to ask you this? Probably because parents with children on the Spectrum who are so in people's face about "try taking a walk in my shoes!" anger me at their short sightedness and limited perspective."

-If I am a flag waver, well then, I surrender. I am happy to be one. I bet there were a whole lot of "flag wavers" behind the Bills that have been passed in 29 States demanding that insurance companies pay for ABA therapy. Not to mention the countless other bills that have provided services for our kids.

-I believe ALL children are Blessings, including my own.

-You asked me also why I would want to take away my children's free ride to the Celestial Kingdom by taking away their Autism. I'm sorry that you have only a partial understanding of the Gospel. Having Special Needs is not the only way. If it were, then the rest of us would be in a lot of trouble.

-Last, people know me. They know my family. They know and see how hard we work with our kids and how much we love all of them. They see how involved and hands-on we are with our kids. They see that we wear a smile every day and we never complain about our circumstances. They see that we bend over backwards to do kind things for other people. They have heard all of the wonderful things that Autism has done for us as individuals and a family as a whole. You can gossip about me ("That Ashlie, she's a big bad Autism flag waver!") as you insinuated you may or may not do, despite never having met me. You can try to put me down and say cruel and harsh things that you would never say to my face nor would you want your friends/family and Church friends knowing you said; just know that people know me, the real me. 

I wish you the very best in your life. I hope that you can bring about all the change you are hoping and trying to bring about in UT, but don't worry; I wont accuse you of trying to make the world a better place for your child, like you did me. Clearly you are calling what you are doing by another name.